I'm so tired!

I so tired of mixed messages from people who should be constant messages. I'm so tired of having to explain myself over and over! I'm so tired of constantly feeling like I'm defending something that should be self explanatory. I'm so tired of all of it. I'm tired of competing for attention with people who don't deserve attention. I'm so tired of fighting for things that should come so naturally. I'm just tired. And, I'm tired of being tired...

Guess the 7 year itch is coming early for us...

That Low Down Dirty "D" Word...

   So, my husband is in the army, which, by default, means that my whole family is in the army. I kind of chuckled just now as I wrote that sentence because I pictured my little girls marching in formation in all kinds of TA-50 gear...too funny. Anyway, he's joined in the Spring of 2009, just before our twins turned 1. He left right after their 1st birthday, and came home right around Halloween. For a while he was a reservist. Ya know, 1 weekend a month, 2 weeks a year (which is kind of a lie, because it's generally closer to 3 weeks...I know, I know, not the point). No big deal, reservists don't go to war...except, they do. His unit had just gotten back while he was in training, and was preparing to leave again shortly after he got home. (They are now deployed in support of Operation New Dawn.) Soon after BCT/AIT, he knew he wanted to go active duty. The pay/benefits were just too good for our growing family to pass up. He was seriously working 60-70 hrs/week, and we were just barely making it. And by "just barely," I mean we had food stamps and WIC, we didn't pay our car insurance, and our car payments and rent were always late.
     It took about 8 for his conditional release paperwork to come through from his reserve unit. That came through in June. He had to go back to MEPS, be discharged (honorably, I might add) from the US Army Reserves and join the "regular army." (Again, also funny when you think that this implies the reserves and NG are "irregular army.") Then, he enlisted active duty, we were given the option of him going to Korea by himself for 1-3 years, or going to Ft Riley as a family. KS here we come...sort of. I mean, we both grew up like 12 miles from the border between MO and KS, so it definitely wasn't that much of a change. When he got to Ft Riley, his unit was deployed. They said they were going to put him on the list to go over, but plans changed over night, it seemed like, and he ended up staying in KS with us. His unit got home last March. HOORAY! Except that then, the talk of when the next deployment was going to be started up. Seriously, they got home in March, and by April they were talking about when it was going to happen again.
     Aren't they entitled to some time home? Is that what you were asking yourself? I'm sure it was, and the answer is...sort of. One year home/soldier. Two/unit. Unless the Army REALLY, REALLY needs said soldier/unit. And, apparently, the Army really needs my husbands unit. Codey went to Alaska in July/August to do...I'm not completely sure what, and by the time he got back, there was already a unit gone. Home just long enough to knock up their wives, wash their laundry from the desert and pack it all up again. (Seriously, lots of women are now pregnant without husbands because they had to leave so quickly after coming home. Kind of sad.)
     It might sound as though I'm talking in riddles, or being extremely non specific, and ... I am. I am not allowed to give details because of troop safety and operational security. You never know what kinda of Taliban wife is going to be reading my blog. I would hate for them to pass on information from an Army wife in the middle of no where. But, seriously, I can't share specifics...ever. I don't want to be responsible for somebody dying/not leaving when they're supposed to/not coming home when they're supposed to/getting blown up and what have you. I'd much rather just follow the rules. No specifics about troop movements. (You'll have to watch the news for that. They seem to be the ones to give out all the info.)
     Anyway, Codey's unit is set to leave. Not for a while, but soon enough for me. I understand that plans are fluid and can change quickly, but for reals...they're deploying. I just recently realized that I have some super duper ridiculous anxiety about it. It's not for another XX months, but I'm already anxious and nervous. Not the kind of anxious and nervous that requires medication, but the kind that requires some sort of attention for sure.
     See, here's the thing... I'm pregnant. Baby number 4 is due in just a few weeks. Like, 12-14 to be somewhat exact. The good news is Codey will be here for the delivery ... if they aren't on a training mission somewhere. Then, after the baby is here, he's going to leave. Now, I don't mean that he's leaving the as soon as the little kid pops out. Remember, I'm giving no specifics. For all you know, he could be on a plane anywhere from 6 hrs-10 months after it comes out. So, OPSEC Nazis...CALM DOWN!
     Last night, I started a stupid fight with Codey for absolutely no reason other than I could. Kind of dumb, I know. Well, actually, a lot dumb, but still. I was just so frustrated with him, for reasons that I could not explain. I have turned into a "stage 5 clinger." I want Codey near me all the time. And, for those of you who know me, I'm not like that with him. Honestly. If he wants to go outside and tinker in the cold, by all means, go for it. Don't expect me to like it. However, here recently, I'm like, "NO! Just sit on the couch with me." It's disgusting, honestly.
     I couldn't figure out why I was doing that. I mean, this deployment is pretty far off, and I'm already like this? How is going to be when it's like...tomorrow?
     So, anyway, my point is that I'm probably going to lose my mind while my husband is off fighting terrorism around the world. In fact, I'm probably going to be pretty close before he even leaves. Is this normal? And, if so, how do I deal with it? Maybe the anwer is as simple as just be aware of it. Maybe just being aware of why I'm trying to smother him and push him away all at the same time will be enough. Maybe? Who knows. I've got to figure out something, or he's going to want to smother me, in a whole different way than I am doing to him.
     Ugh, deployment sucks, and we aren't even there yet.

Making lists and taking names...

  So, as most of you know, Codey came home a week ago today. It has been great. For the first 4 days he was home, I pretty much did nothing. That was wonderful! Monday came work again for him...which meant work for me.
  In this life, you're always a little hesitant for them to go to work, because you never know what news they're going to bring home. If you're a planner, like I am, this can be near stroke inducing. I love plans. I love lists. I love planning my lists. I make lists for the store, for packing, for cleaning house...I plan and list for pretty much everything. One of the best gifts Codey bought me was a dry erase calendar. How pathetic, I know. But I can't help it. It's one of my favorite thing to do. Plan, outline, list, organize, execute.
  My amazing husband on the other hand has this incredible ability to just "go with the flow." It's a wonder to me how he does it. I, personally, can't do it. I'm trying. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, and if I haven't, I've definitely meant to. Because it needs to be discussed.
  Anyway, back to the point.
  In the Army there is no such thing as "for sure." There is no exact date given...EVER. There is nothing to help a planner like me micromanage my life like I want to. And, it's hard.
  My husband got sent to Alaska with a come home date of August 3rd. Then, 10 days before he was supposed to come home, it was changed to August 10th. For a pregnant control freak, this was enough to initiate a melt down. (Oh right, for those of you who didn't know, we're expecting baby number 4 in February/March of next year.) I lost it. I was so angry, frustrated, disappointed...pretty much every negative emotion you can think of, I was experiencing it. Then, a few days later, they said, "Never mind. You can leave on the 3rd." And so, my roller coaster went back up...until 2 days after that when I found out from his unit here in KS that he was, in fact, coming home on the 10th. Back down the hill we went.
  I grew used to the idea, as if I had a choice. He came home on the 10th, and life was grand...until.
  Until (and I have to be careful what I say because there's this pesky little thing called OPSEC that you're not supposed to break) I found out that he may leave again for Alaska in XX amount of months.  That would mean he'd come super close to missing the birth. He'd miss Emilee's birthday...again. That would make two years running. Oh, I should add...she's only 18 months old. But, then again, none of this is for sure, and just ask soon as they say it, they change it. Which is exactly what they did.  Alaska is on the back burner now, in exchange for a hotter, dryer, angrier location at a date yet to be determined, but most certainly sooner than expected.
  Again, I LIKE TO PLAN! If my husband is going to miss every birthday, holiday, anniversary from now until we're 65 just tell me so that I can get used to it, and move on. This "maybe" crap drives me nuts! I can't handle it!  How much more vague can you be? I mean, really.
  I suppose this is another lesson in "letting go" and trusting in the One who has it all in His control. I think that most of the time I forget that the Army is not really in charge. I mean, they are, but they're not. There is One who is always in control. Nothing happens that is a surprise to Him. And, he's got my best interested in His mind, so why should I be freaked out about all this stuff??  I think the answer is obviously, "You shouldn't."
  But how? How do we do that? How do we put the future of our lives, our families, our children in somebody else's non tangible hands?
  Do you think somebody can make out a list for me on how to do that?  Oh right, the Bible...

  Guess I know where I need to go and what I need to do ... do you?

Counting Skittles...

  (Let me preface this with saying I know some of you are going through deployments, and this is just TDY, but having your other half gone is having your other half gone, be it for a week, a month, or a year. It just complicates things. So, if you're going to have a problem with me making a "medium sized" deal out of Codey being gone for TDY, you might want to quit reading now.)
  Here we are, the last night together as a family for a while. I'm sitting on the couch with the twins, who are watching Fern Gully. Codey is in the recliner with Emilee, his little buddy.  They are playing with his phone making animal noises.
  Tonight we started a new tradition...counting skittles.  We have decided that our kids need to be acknowledged in the whole "Daddy leaving" thing.  So, I bough a glass jar, and some skittles and counted them out to just over the amount of time that Codey's supposed to be gone because the Army is excellent at changing dates at the last minute.
  We all sat at the kitchen table with the Ziploc bags of skittles for each kids and the glass jar. As I was explaining to the kids what was going to happen, all they could think about was eating skittles.  I think that maybe they are still too young for all this stuff, but I feel like we've got to start somewhere.  They need some way to countdown to Daddy coming home.  Their little brains aren't abstract enough to completely grasp the concept of "Daddy will be home in 6 weeks" or whatever amount of time it is. So, when the jar is empty, Daddy's home.
  They were so excited tonight about getting a piece of candy every night before bed, and waiting for the jar to be empty...However, I wonder how many times it'll take of us emptying the jar before they realize that it means Daddy is GONE. He isn't here to tuck them in at night. He isn't there to read a bedtime story or snuggle with on the couch. He's off doing work where ever the army says he's needed.
  I wonder if they'll resent him being gone, or resent the army, or even worse, resent their dad for leaving every time the army decides it's time. I would never want them to resent him for doing his job. I just know that there are going to be times when, to them, it's going to seem like "his job" comes before they do. 
  How do I combat this? How do I make them see that it hurts Daddy to leave as much as it hurts us to see him go? I suppose this is a question that all moms deal with when married to army dads...or dads married to army moms. I know so many more "male army wives" than I ever thought I would...the struggles they face are unique to them, and I can't relate as well as I'd like. (that's a different story entirely.)
  So, I guess I'll just do what I've always done, which is to just get through one day at a time. I am nervous.  Codey hasn't been gone for so long since Basic and AIT, and my kids are significantly older and more demanding than they were two years ago.  Plus, there's extra kid this time.  I'm sure it'll take some adjusting, but we should be all right, after we work out the kinks.  There are definitely going to be some rough evenings.
  It's past bedtime for the kids, but I don't want this evening to end. I want the kids to be able to play with Daddy all night long. But, they've gotta sleep, and we've gotta get last minute stuff taken care of before he leaves in the morning.
  The sooner we get this evening over with, the sooner his TDY starts and the sooner he can come home to chase the kids "around the circle," as has become our pre-bedtime custom...
 

Just trust Me

     So, today we went to the pool, as we have countless times before, with our kids. The pool is in our neighborhood, and there are always lots of families there with lots and lots of children.  I mean,  A LOT of children! 
     Usually, we go to the shallow end and let the kids hope around.  It's not much fun for Codey and me, but we do it because it is enjoyable to watch them hop around and have fun.  Plus, what else are we supposed to do? Let them screw around in there without any supervision??? Doubtful.
    Anyway, today we decided to play in a different area of the pool.  Over in the deeper end, by the stairs. You know, so they wouldn't drown and all.  Also, not the point...
     So, it wasn't too crowded, but every once in a while, there would be moms and dads who were working with their young-ish children on getting into the deep end without totally freaking out. It was kind of entertaining for me. My kids have no problem in the deep end. They LOVE the water.
     As I was floating around with Emilee, I was spending time listening to these parents talk to their children. Trying to calm their fears. Trying to assure them that they were safe.
     I realized that this is how God is with us.  I mean really...how often does God lead us into the deep end and we totally freak out? These kids were crying and whining and scared. They were afraid that they were going to be let go of and they'd sink.  Have you ever felt this way?  I know I have. 
    The parents were trying their best to reassure their kids that they were safe. I heard a lot of, "Dont worry, Daddy's not going to drop you. I'm holding you. You're fine." and a lot of "Just relax and trust me. I know what I'm doing."
     So often we are led to the deep end by our Father, and He says, "Don't worry, Daddy's got you. You're not going to fall. Just relax and trust me." He says it all throughout His word. Repeatedly, through every verse, of ever chapter, of every book of the Bible, we are reminded that "Daddy's got us."
     Tomorrow is Father's day, and our kids are blessed to have their dad at home this year. There are so many kids in the military life whose dads aren't home for Father's Day. (I know moms are gone too, but it's Father's Day.) Past the military, there a so many kids who have absent fathers.  It's heartbreaking...
     I hope to teach my kids that even though Daddy may be gone sometimes (like a lot), they have a Father. They have a Father who will always be there. He will always be there.  If only all of society could learn that. 
     I need to remember that I will also be led into the deep end at times by my Father, but He will always be there saying, "Trust me. I've got you."
    So, there's my epiphany for the day. Yet again, watching parents with their 3 year olds teaches me about how our heavenly Father deals with us. So simple. Too easy. Why do we resist so much? 
     I guess we'll never know.  We just have to keep trying. Keep going into the deep end knowing He won't let go of us.

Yesterday we went to KC to go to the NASCAR Spring Cup race. It was hot!!  Here's a little insight as to how our trip went.

It starts the night before, actually. After going to bed around 2300, I couldn't sleep. I was awake, and awake...and awake some more. I finally fell asleep, knowing full well the alarm was going to go off at 0500.  Apparently, the alarm did go off.  I didn't hear it. Codey heard it, but didn't pay attnetion to it until about 0520. He then woke me up and left to take the dogs to the dog park for a while since they were going to be inside the house all day. I got up to shower and get the stuff ready for our day trip to KC.  Let me tell you, we have A LOT of stuff, even just for 1 day.

Our goal was to be out of the house and on the road around 630.  If it's a 2 hr trip, that would've put us at my mom and dad's house and 0830, and we could've been at the race track around 0915 or 0930.  DID NOT HAPPEN!!!

We left the house not too far behind schedule at 0645 or so and were on our way.  We got about 30-45 minutes down the road, and I smelled a poopy diaper.  This, of course, required we stop and change the diaper, as I did not relish the idea of 1) smelling it for another hour and a half or 2) cleaning up anything that may have escaped while in transit.

So, diaper was changed, kid was buckled in again, and we were on our way...or so we thought.

After we got past Topeka, there was construction, but since it was so early in the morning, it was SUCH a big deal. Or so we thought, anyway.  I looked back at Alli, and she looked like she was going to start bawling at any moment.  When I asked her what was wrong, she just started crying. So, I asked her again, and vomit start oozing out of her mouth... TALK ABOUT DISGUSTING. So, there Codey is, driving through construction on a bridge, I am watching Alli vomit and yelling at Codey to pull over, and Anna and Emilee are just sitting, taking it all in.  After a few seconds, Allison started crying again, and I looked back just in time to see a "vomit-fall" (you know, like a waterfall, but not) coming out of her mouth. 

Here is where it gets really interesting.  After spending 30 minutes getting everything ready, well, what I thought was everything, I realized I didn't pack extra clothes for the kids.  Who does that? Apparently, the answer is, I do. So, Codey found a place to pull over, and I got Alli out.  While he was cleaning her up, I was cleaning the STANDING FLUID out of the seat.  YUCK!!!! It took an extra 15 minutes to get that all taken care of and get back on the road. 

So, now, it's 8 something and we still aren't anywhere near my parents house... We were definitely going to be late.  And we were.  I think we got to my parents' house around 0915 or so.  You know, about the time we were supposed to be at the track. 

We ended up getting there around 1030.  Which was actually way earlier than we thought we would get there since we left KC North so late. But we were good.

So, we watched the race...it was decent. JR almost won.  Codey was pretty happy with that one. He came in 2nd. Almost, again.

We went back to my parents' house, and the kids were swimming in the pool.  So, we jumped in with 'em. That was fun. After about an hour of that, we went back and changed everybody's clothes so we could head on home!  OH BOY! What a trip home.

We literally sat for about 45 minutes.  It took 3 and a half hours for the aforementioned 2 hr trip. For some reason the state of KS, in all its glory didn't anticipate 70,000 people trying to leave KCK at once.   So, they only had two toll booths open on I-70W to get the toll ticket.  We didn't get though the toll booth until 1900 after leaving my mom and dad's at 1730! RIDICULOUS!

We got home, put the kids in bed, and we were right behind 'em. We were all wiped out.  I'm so glad that day is over. 

I hope your weekend was as exciting as ours. Catch ya later.

The green eyed monster...or is it one eyed monster...Whichever, jealousy is definitely a monster

So, today we got word from my husband's brigade that he's more than likely going to go to Alaska for a month, here pretty soon. He thought I was going to be pissed because he was leaving, but instead, I'm honestly a little jealous.  I mean, here it is, the perfect time of year to go to Alaska. The sun never sets, the weather is mild, and it's hotter than ...well, you know, in Kansas. Of course, he'll be working the whole time, but still, I wanna go!

As I sat here, irritated with the fact that he gets to go see this beautiful part of the world and I am, yet again, left behind to take care of our kids and dog, I started to put things into perspective.  I started thinking maybe he's jealous sometimes that he misses out on so many things that I get to see every day, and take for granted, at that.

While he gets to go see Alaska, and spend time "bonding" with his friends from work, I will be home. With our three kids, and our puppy (who I still maintain is part demon). I will be home to watch Emilee grow and learn new words to speak, which she is doing at an incredible pace. I will be here for Alli and Anna to start whatever sport we decide to put them in in the Fall. I will be here for Frosty to, maybe, just maybe, learn how to be a normal dog.

I will be here to snuggle with Anna when she gets scared in the middle of the night. I'll be here to watch Bubble Guppies with Emilee content on my lap and Alli at my side with her blankie.  I will be here. Like I always am.

These are little things that happen every day, and I NEVER  notice them. I bet Codey will though, after he gets back from TDY. I am sure that he will soak up every minute of cuddle time with the kids, as they will with him. I should really start taking these things in every day, and enjoying them.

I'll try harder while he's gone. I'll try harder while he's home before he leave too, but definitely while he's gone. I'll try not to be so jealous of the excitement that goes along with an extended amount of time in the beautiful mountains because I know that deep down, even though he may not admit it or even recognize it, he's jealous that he won't be here, spending time with our family.